Some days, moments or situations are not nice at all. This is reality. For all the amazing times we will have, it’s the moments that are not so great that become our biggest challenges and test our ability to leverage our emotional intelligence.

Delivering bad news is never easy and the moment that we accept and own that we will be delivering bad news, our amygdala (emotional brain) fires up and our ‘fight or flight’ mechanise kicks in, driven by our fears. Fear of the unknown in how they will react to the news, fear of failure in our ability to deliver it, fear of judgement with what will the other person think of me afterwards and the big one; fear of conflict if it doesn’t go well! Our mind reacts to this fear putting the focus on us and building a protection system as we head into the circumstance wanting to feel protected. Here are 3 steps to work with the mind’s reaction to get a good outcome:

1.      Preparation is not about protection

Our mind reacts to the fear by building a protection system, like an ammunition pack, full of justification and data to protect us and help our mind to feel it is right/winning the conversation hoping to alleviate the fears. This tends to include every example, fact, report, statistic possible with a prepared monologue to deliver. We are still in our own head and totally lose the human connection creating an uncomfortable (and often defensive) environment.

Instead, use your preparation to be 100% sure that this is the only (and the right) outcome for this situation. You need to be completely onboard and already investigated every option or ‘what if’ in your mind before you deliver the news. Know the ‘4 W’s’: what, when, who and why, so you can provide details and field any questions. But remember, the conversation is not about you and your fears, it is about the other person and supporting them through the conversation and next steps.

2.      Be humanistic and empathetic

This will be a tough conversation, there is no denial. Don’t tell them “it’s not personal” because it absolutely is. Ensure it is the best time and day to be delivering the message. First thing in the morning is not the best time if they will need to sit through the rest of the day at work after receiving the message. Provide the full details of the situation relating to the ‘4 W’s’ and throughout the conversation, be aware of their emotions. Empathy is your focus. When it comes to empathy, this is not about agreeing with their emotions or putting yourself in their shoes. Even metaphorically speaking, when we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, judgement tends to come with it. We think “well I wouldn’t react like that” or “I wouldn’t have let it get to this stage. There is no room for judgement when it comes to empathy, it is about recognising the emotion they are feeling, recalling when was the last time I felt that emotion (regardless of the situation), what is the worst thing someone could say or do to me when I am feeling that emotion verse what is the best thing someone could say or do. For example, an angry person doesn’t want to hear ‘calm down’, they want to be heard, acknowledged and then resolution. When we are embarrassed, we don’t want it to be pointed out or kept in that situation feeling uncomfortable, we want a way to keep our pride in place, a glass of water, a short break, a support person, a tissue. Follow the emotion as it changes to help them through the process in their mind so they can then focus forward.

3.      Offer specific support

Most of us will naturally offer to support in any way that we can but be specific and genuine. If you are delivering a redundancy, can you help them to create their resume, introduce them to contacts in the industry, help them map out their job search etc. If you are delivering an unsuccessful promotion, can you work with them on their development plan so that they are ready and more suitable for the role when it comes up again. If you are delivering some bad personal news, can you help them with their next steps re contacting and communicating with the relevant people, getting their to-do list in place or even just making sure they are fed while the emotions take over. These aren’t things that need to be done right now but make the offer and organise timing.

Delivering bad news is rarely, if ever, one conversation. Noone likes receiving bad news so one conversation is unlikely to be enough for them to own the reality of the situation, face all their emotions, understand the impact on other people in their lives, ask all their questions and be ready to drive it forward. Plan at least one formal check-in conversation within the next week along with observations and ad hoc check-ins when required.

Every person and every conversation are different so don’t become fixated on the situation and a prepared monologue. Remember it’s not about us; the key is to focus and respond to the emotion at play to get the best outcome. That’s what being a decent human being is about.

Amy Jacobson is  the author of ‘The Emotional Intelligence Advantage: Mastering change and difficult

www.amyjacobson.com.au